Still Thinking About Happiness

More about Grandpa and Me

I went to my grandparents' home in Orem 3 or 4 times last week.  My mom is there, and she is working hard to make sure EVERYTHING is taken care of.  So when I have arrived, there isn't really anything I have been needed to DO.  Grandma says that's better, anyway, because she just wants to visit.  And so we visit.

Every day I have waited for the phone call, telling me that Grandpa had finally reached the end of his mortality; but it just hasn't come.  He's been stubborn all his life, and he's been stubborn in his death.

Yesterday my grandma told my brother that Grandpa needed to be blessed and told that it was OK and high time to leave mortality.  My 2 brothers, their wives, Spencer, Ash, and I went to Orem again.  These three good men laid their hands on Grandpa's head and kindly gave him the what-for.  :)  Grandpa looked skeletal, and he hasn't been really conscious for days now.  We spent several hours there, migrating in and out of Grandpa's room, visiting, weeping, laughing, remembering, loving. 

This morning at 8:02 a.m., Grandpa finally left mortality and joined much family and many friends in the spirit world.  My mom called me, and I had a good, sobbing cry (in my boss's office, no less).  And since that good cry, I feel grateful and relieved and oh, so blessed!

My grandpa had the largest hands I've ever seen.  9 years ago he got cellulitis in his right hand.  That, combined with age and arthritis, have left those massive hands curled and useless.  The rest of his body has wasted away to nearly nothing, especially in the past two weeks.  But last night we uncovered his hands, and I had a flood of memories.

Those hands were the hardest-working set of hands I have ever seen: 

• He could dig fast and deep and for a long time, never stopping till the job was done.  I never saw him hold up a shovel.  It was only in his hands if he was working, and he didn't lay it down till the dig was done.
• Grandpa laid yards and yards and yards of concrete.
• Grandpa was a master mechanic and specialized in body work.  He was incredible.
• He and Uncle Bud (his brother) beat the tar out of everyone else (three or four generations of men) in a two-man hand-saw race.
• Those hands "bucked" a lot of wood, built and remodeled a lot of rooms, tarred (and batted) some bats, built some fires, and whittled many sticks and whistles.
• Those hands grabbed the steering wheel once or twice while he helped me learn to drive (while Daddy was in California).  :)
• Grandpa drove many a car, truck, van, boat, and snowmobile.   He probably fixed even more vehicles than he drove!
• Those hands signed my parents' marriage certificate.
• Those hands held onto my mother for hours and hours while she was in labor (and his feet walked miles and miles with hers).  Then those hands held mine when I was a tiny little girl.  And a bigger girl.  And a teen.  And a woman.
• Those ginormous hands gave me birthday spanks (and dimes) every year in my childhood.
• Those hands were placed tenderly on my head to confirm me a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and to give me other blessings.  I was not the first and not the only one of his grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great grands who received priesthood blessing through those beautiful hands.
• Grandpa would wipe his tears with those hands--usually with a thumb.  The first time I remember seeing Grandpa's tears was the day he got new scriptures for Christmas.  It was not the last time, and it was nearly always in regard to his love for his family.
• Grandpa shook hands with countless people in business dealings and church assignments. Those handshakes were promises.  The handshakes I remember most were the ones he gave Spencer. They were man-to-man handshakes.
• Those hands tenderly held my babies.
• Those hands tenderly held other babies as he blessed them and cherished them.

Thinking about his hands has opened a floodgate of memories, each of which I am nothing but grateful for!  Grandpa was imperfect but oh, so good.  He loved me, and I love him back.  It is hard to imagine life without him--not because I've seen him every day, but because I've just always known he was there.

On the plus side, how many women get to know, like, respect, love, admire, cherish, and laugh with their grandparents for 44 years of their lives?  How many great-grandchildren can say that they made it to adulthood before they lost that grandparent, and--even better--that they knew and loved him?  Not many.  I am so very grateful!

Reality Bites

The saddest thing that happened today was when I realized remembered that my artistic talent is limited to coloring inside the lines and therefore, the Christmas ornament I've been working on is NOT going to come together.

Back to Square One...

Why, oh why did I not remember this sooner?

Surrealism

Do you ever walk through life feeling like you're in multiple places at the same time?  That is how I have felt this week.  It's a little bit tiring.

I know I have to get up in the morning and get ready for work.  That's so normal!  I shower.  I feed the dog.  I put on my makeup.  I get dressed.  The laundry and the dishes still need to be done.  We still need meals.

I go to work.  I read and respond to emails from colleagues, friends, and family.  It's so normal!  I schedule things.  I assemble reports and books.  I answer the same phone calls as every other day of my life.  I greet people and they greet me.

But, like an underlying current, my heart and my brain seem to be flowing in a different place than my body. 

I'm in Indiana and Calgary, watching over our beautiful missionaries, hoping they are thriving and working hard and not being sad, and knowing that they have very little idea (as it should be) of the things that are unfolding at home. 

I'm at Beehive Clothing, wondering if our daughter is well and if she's secretly disappointed that those pin curls didn't work, so the costume didn't come together after all. 

I'm at home and at WJHS, hoping that our son is safe and happy, in spite of all the weird things happening and the upheaval of our schedules right now. 

I'm at Boeing, wondering if Spencer is getting along OK, and if the job is going well or if it's killing him, and if people hate him or love him (as they should!).

I'm on my knees, thanking God that our children are friends, that Spencer is a strong, wonderful, faith-filled man, and that we know of His marvelous plan for our happiness. 

I'm also at the U of U med center, hoping that my cousin is healing well and wishing that she knew how much I cherish our memories together and praying that somehow something might make a change in her life. 

And all of these roads lead to Orem, where my grandpa lays helplessly dying and my grandma watches, just as helplessly.  I think of my mom, who is missing a lot of work and time at home but is still working oh, so hard.  I think of my Dad in Sacramento, who is kind of lost when Mom is not there, and who will continue to plug faithfully away because he knows his bride is needed in Utah right now.

Sometimes my eyes leak a little bit, and sometimes my heart is a bit heavy.  Sometimes my eyes are dry and my tummy is hollow.  But mostly I'm filled with hope and gladness and gratitude and peace.  I adore my family so much:  my sweetheart, our children, my wonderful parents, my extended family (aunts, uncles, GRANDPARENTS, cousins, siblings, etc.).  We have the gospel plan, which I KNOW is true and real and completely operative in my life and the lives of my loved ones. 

It's difficult to describe, but this week feels a bit surreal.

Hoping for Death

Yesterday my grandpa got up and got himself dressed.  By noon he was unable to stand on his own.  The hospice nurse helped him to his bed, where he stayed for the remainder of the day, semi-unconscious.  My cousin, an EMT, went in and rolled him over every half hour or so, and Grandpa didn't even flinch.

The end is near.  His wife and children doubted he'd last through the night.

It is sad to lose his companionship in mortality. It will also be a blessing for him and all of us who love him when he is gone.  It seems really selfish and somehow WRONG to pray for death to come, except that when it does, it will be as is told in The Tale of Three Brothers (Harry Potter):  

And then he greeted Death as an old friend, and went with him gladly,

and, equals, they departed this life.

Sometimes the Little Things Aren't Really Little

Last night I spent a couple of hours delivering treats to my Primary class members, the ladies I visit teach, and my nieces and nephews.  It was enjoyable.  It was no big deal, and it was kind of a big deal, because it was a four-hour project (2 hours putting together the treats, and 2 hours delivering them).  I'm not complaining, because I loved every minute of it.

At one house, the mother gave me a huge hug and said, "Aundrea, I just love you so much!  I don't really know why, but I do.  Well, I do know why.  It's a million little reasons."  That hug and the sweet words of a woman I also love and admire were a beautiful highlight for the evening.

Our nephews got all dressed up in their Halloween costumes during my visit to their house.  They seemed as delighted to show me as I was to see them.  They also brought out their stuffed animals in the costumes their mother made for them.  There were a dozen or more costumed stuffed animals!  What a wonderful memory those kids will have of their mother's love for them!  My cheeks HURT by the time I left their home.

Last night two of our "sons" came over to visit.  When the first one walked into the house (they've been told they don't have to knock), I got misty eyes immediately--I was so happy to see him!  I've missed these kids!  It meant going out of their way to come to our house, so it was a sacrifice on their part.  But oh! that little visit means so much to me!

One of the boys has been working hard to become temple worthy.  When he walked into the House of the Lord, he had to show the worker a small rectangular piece of paper indicating his worthiness to be there.  It seems like such a small thing, but the road has been long and difficult.  It is a very big deal to him and to those of us who love him.

The small, seemingly insignificant things add up to big things in our lives.  Sometimes, though, those small things aren't really small at all.

Thinking about Life Again

A friend recently wrote something like, "Life is hard with occasional happy times.  It was meant to be that way, because it is a test."

I disagree with her.  I think life is meant to be happy with occasional down days.  That doesn't mean that hard things don't happen, and some hard things last a while. 

For example, right now my grandpa is on hospice care.  The main caregiver is my grandma, who is often not even recognized by her nearly-lifelong sweetheart.  There is very little Grandpa can do, so Grandma does it all.  It is a heavy load to bear for her.  She does better when she can at least get a good night's rest, but that is often interrupted by his trying to leave the house to "go to work" or his taking a fall.  It's really hard on her.  But my grandma has been an absolute CHAMPION through all of this.  Each time we speak she talks of the blessings she is receiving.  She laughs a lot.  She is incredibly patient and oh, so kind!

My grandma is doing something really hard.  She is more than 85 years old, and she deserves a rest.  But she is so grateful and glad to be capable of helping her sweetheart during this season.  And she knows that another season is coming.  In fact, the only way this difficult season will end is for Grandma to enter a season WITHOUT Grandpa.  Certainly that is a daunting thought.  But she smiles, "cowboys up," and does what needs to be done with happiness and gratitude.

Another friend taught me this week that life might be described as a 1-10 scale, with 1 being terribly miserable and 10 being as happy as can possible be.  Most people ride a roller coaster between 2 and 10, thinking that their happiness is at the mercy of life's circumstances.  My friend said she would much rather ride most days at a 6 or 7.  According to Elder Packer it's OK to have a "good bad day" every once in a while.  And certainly we should enjoy every moment of joy that is given to us.  But we also have a responsibility for our own happiness.  Like my grandma, we can smile, even when life doesn't seem easy or fair.  And by "smile" I don't just mean turning up the corners of our mouths (although that's a wonderful start).  I mean that we find true happiness in all that we do.

The other thing I really believe is that people who are happy attract happiness to themselves.  Choosing happiness is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  People who are happy will want to be with you (the "birds of a feather" philosophy).  And even though hard things will happen, if you are already happy, surrounded by happy people, making other people and circumstances as happy as possible, those hard things will just be another bridge to cross in a happy life.

It is true that most days we turn off the alarm clock, get ready for a day of work, take care of the mundane, and start again the next day.  Sometimes I think it would be fine with me if I were independently wealthy, travelled the world, ate all the finest foods, was never in another traffic jam, never had someone say harsh words to me or my loved ones, changed a stinky diaper, washed a dirty dish, tackled the never-ending laundry (again), got sick, or any of the other unpleasant things that might come to us in our lives. 

But what if we had never played a game of Lifesavers-in-Flour because it only cost us $.50?  We if we had never planned a fun stay-cation or party day so that we could be with our family?  What if we hadn't shared the love, acceptance, hugs, kleenexes, and hysterical laughter that come with heartbreak?   What if we had missed parenthood?  What if we were physically unable to do things (and even then...)?  What if we lived somewhere where "dirty" was the norm?

There's just too much to be grateful for, to laugh at, to love, to do, to see, to think, to feel, to hear, to EXPERIENCE and to LIVE to be unhappy, even when things are hard.  And the world would be a better place if we all took the responsibility to be happy ourselves and then pay it forward.

Lucky Mom

I sent Sister Hill our Benny card so she can go get contact lenses.  She did not understand how it worked, so she contacted the mission mom.  Sister C gave her permission to text me and find out all about it.

So this morning I got to have a text conversation with our daughter.  It wasn't much and it wasn't about anything important, really.  (Well, ya know, except her being able to SEE).  But it seemed awfully nice to get to "talk" to her.

My friend Courtney at "You Are What You Love" has awarded me this fabulous Liebster award.  I know it's fabulous, because she said so, and she has fabulous taste.  The Liebster is an "award given to up-and-coming bloggers with less than 200 followers who deserve some recognition and support to keep on blogging." Apparently the name is German for dearest. This award comes with rules ... sounds like a chain letter right?  Each person awarded must:

1. post 11 facts about themselves.

2. Answer the 11 questions the nominator has set for them.

3. Choose five bloggers to nominate.

4. Create 11 more questions for the bloggers they will nominate.

5. Let the lucky bloggers know.

 

Here goes:

Eleven Things About Me

1.  My name sounds like Andrea, except with an "ah" sound at the beginning.  It doesn't bother me much any more when people say it incorrectly, but it drives my friends and my family crazy.

2.  I am a travel sleeper.  It doesn't matter what kind of transportation we're talking about, just get us moving and I can fall asleep.

3.  Reading is my favorite sport.  I love to read novels, but there have been a few biographies I've thoroughly enjoyed, especially Audrey Hepburn.

4.  I think political debates are just arguments with "Mom" (the moderator) in the room, and I never can watch more than a few minutes of them.

5.  I think of myself as a confident person, but I often pretend I'm talking to children when I'm talking to adults.  Children aren't as scary.

6.  I have ownership or part ownership in 5 different blogs.

7.  I am a chocoholic.  People always say that, but I really am.  My preferred "poison" is milk chocolate M&M's, which I eat in 3's.  Also, there is a way to eat M&M's.  Just sayin'.

8.  I love meat.

9.  My dream is to travel, travel, travel.  My top travel dream is the UK.

10.  My hands and feet are almost always cold.  I keep hot pink mitten/gloves at work so I can stay warmer.

11.  I snore.  Sorry, Babe!

 

Courtney's Questions

1. if you could tell your 16 year-old self something, what would it be?  Someday Guess Jeans won't seem like such a big deal.

2. what are 3 things that make you most happy right now?  Letters from my missionaries, staying busy at work, this amazing fall weather.

3. what is something you're passionate about?  Life.  I often wish I felt things less keenly.  I guess passion is a gift and a curse.

4. what has been your greatest accomplishment?  Somehow snagging the best man in the world.

5. what do you think people misunderstand most about you?  I think people don't think I have fears, but I often just fake it till I make it.

6. what do you hope to be remembered for?  Loving all kids.

7. what was the last song you listened to?  "We Are Young" by Fun

8. what was the last movie you watched?  Disney's "Up"

9. if you had a life motto what would it be?  Hardship happens.  Misery is optional. -or- If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

10. what are your 3 most visited websites (excluding facebook, email, and work websites)  Blogs, blogs, and blogs!

11. what is your essential start-the-day-off item?  Toothbrush and toothpaste.

 

My Nominees

Lisa at "Life is for Laughing With Lisa"

Amy at "Two Scoops"

Kayla at "A Waiting Girl"

Jessica at "The Hagloch Diaries"

Carol at "Finding the Silver Lining"

 

(Much like a chain letter I don't really expect you to do this.  But it could be fun.)

 

My Questions for You

1.  If you could only have one thing for dinner for an entire month, what would it be?

2.  What is your dream job?

3.  What is your favorite holiday and why?

4.  What is your earliest memory?

5.  What is your favorite book?

6.  How do you change your piece of the world?

7.  If you could travel for one week with three people who are NOT family, who would it be?

8.  Your top three favorite movies.

9.  Share one of your life's dreams.

10.  Tell about the way one person has changed your life.

11.  Oreos:  Regular or double-stuff?

 

 

 

 

It's Not That Important

One of the wonderful senior missionaries at work is making me nuts.  I seriously love the guy--he's a grandpa; a teddy bear!  He's pleasant.  He's cute.  He's helpful.

A couple of days ago my boss mentioned to him that he needed to show him how to put a print job on hold.  Since I was at the printer at the same time Elder M was there, he showed me how to do it, and gave me the mandate to teach my boss.  OK, kids, it's not hard.

It's also not at the top of the priority list when I'm with my boss this week.  Annual budgets are being reviewed by the muckities, so my boss (remember how he's the finance director?) is up to his eyes in prep work for two different departments.

But Elder M has asked me over and over if I've shown my boss how to put a print job on hold.  The only difference between him and a two-year-old is that he isn't saying "Mommy?  Mommy?  Mommy?" or patting my leg.

For. the. love!