Dear Fiance,

I regret to inform you that I will be unable to marry you. Even though I think you are good and kind; even though you are worthy to take me to the temple; even though I believe you will be a worthy wife and mother; even though I love you very, very much; and even though our goals for the future coincide perfectly, I must respectfully withdraw my proposal of marriage. This is as much your mother's fault as your own. I am sorry to say that I cannot marry you because you do not cook to my expectations. Your rock-hard bread is better suited for the shooting range, and I'm eternally disappointed that your brownies fell to the bottom of the pan.

I realize that these are items that could easily be picked up at the store if necessary. However, it has always been a pre-requisite that my wife be able to cook. I only regret that I have not discussed this with you earlier in order to save both of us the heartache that must come with this decision. Rest assured that--in the future--I will only date people who have been properly screened for the appropriate cooking skills.

I believe it will be easier for both of us if we simply do not see one another. If you would like me to reconsider my decision, however, I strongly suggest you pursue an intensive cooking course of study. Upon completion of said course, and with proper proof of completion, I will gladly reconsider spending eternity with you.

Love, Your Not-Husband

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I love Tuesdays and staff meeting. It's so much baloney!