Friday, September 9, 2011

I Wish I Had a Big, Fat Chocolate Chip Cookie Right Now

It is amazing how people's words can affect us.  After a conversation this morning, I find myself (remember that capable, confident woman from a day ago?) questioning whether I am actually any good at my job.  I wonder if people are constantly looking at me thinking, "She's unhappy and it shows in her work."  I wonder if I really AM unhappy.  I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I consider my job a JOB in a CORPORATION, not "building the Lord's kingdom."  I wonder if meticulousness is a requisite for someone in my position.  I wonder if meticulousness is a word.  I wonder if I should be less confident--would that make me more capable?  I wonder if it's really that important to think about this.  I wonder if meticulousness or confidence or capability make me a better PERSON.  I wonder if being a secretary or a teacher or a doctor make me a better person.  I wonder if I should go home for the day, because canning peaches not only sounds more fun than PARs but might be more important and productive and person-building.

The person I spoke with used the phrase, "It is evident to me that..." and it's made me think about things that are evident to us.  For example, we see someone who is disheveled and we assume that they are lazy or they live in filth and squalor.  It is "evident" that there is something that is not right (by our standards).  What is not evident, however, is WHY that person is the way he is.  Maybe he's disheveled because he was up all night with a sick child and he overslept his alarm.  Maybe he's disheveled because he has a mental illness and it was all he could do to get dressed and get out of bed.  Maybe he's disheveled because there's been an emergency and he's trying to get there quickly.  Maybe my version of disheveled is his version of put together.  Therefore, it is evident that I should not draw conclusions or pass judgments on what I think is evident.

I believe it is my responsibility to work to become a better, more perfect person.  I also realize that my perception IS my reality, and your perception is your reality.  Now I am considering how much of this conversation I should internalize.  I'm willing (and want!) to be the best I can be in my work.  Do I have to reach a point of total fulfillment in order to be better (best) in my work?  Does it matter?  Is my perception skewed; should I try to have his perceptions more as my own?

Am I OK?

Please comment.  Pretty please?


Kim and Preston said...

Aundrea...why is it that you are so good with your words and thoughts. You are very talented. I think I feel like this alot. I think it is normal and that the way people perceive is just that their perception which is their opinion, and really its nice when its positive but its really not what matters. I think it is important to realize that life sometimes has it's times when all we can do is just put one foot in front of the other and then we have those big moments that remind us what life is for. I think work is alot of times like that for me. That some days it is the best I can do to get here to work and do what I have been asked to do. You are amazing Aundrea! Thank you for putting into words how I feel alot of the time.

Noelle said...

You're're more than okay. And when you think otherwise consider the source of where those feelings are coming from.

It's so easy for me to say to someone else. :)

Hang in there and know that you are loved!

Brigitte said...

I loved reading your thoughts. Funny I remember having a chat with you one time and thinking "Surely she thinks I'm some wacko Mom who talks too much" I'm hoping my thought was way false yet so many times I make the best pot of soup and I stew in my worries and thoughts about what others are thinking about me- I hate those feelings of regret, wishing I hadn't talked so much and why didn't I ask more questions about them? You are doing great- you are doing your best. Perhaps not everyday but I'm sure that you just get up the next day and try some more. Thank you for sharing your world with me. I'm blessed. PS The kids here who used to go to your preschool class still think you're a super star :)

Courtney said...

i wish i would have known that you needed a chocolate chip cookie sooner, because i would have brought you one. and YOU ARE OK. don't be less confident. meticulousness is a word. don't internalize everything said to you. and consider the source. but really. you are great. and funny. and i love sitting diagonally from you.

Cheryl said...

You are way more than ok!