Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Discouragement Is Not Our Friend

I began a new class on March 1.  It involves this huge simulation, where I develop a company, its products, advertising, production, human resources, etc.  A quarter passes every other day.  Tonight I finished Quarter 8.  A quarter has averaged me about 6 to 8 hours of homework, which means about 4 hours of homework a night.  Part of me is frustrated that I don't even get graded on it.  Another part of me is GLAD, because I'm good at running this business into the ground.

The thing about this stupid class (besides the fact that I still have to complete all the reading and writing in order to complete and pass the course) is that it is taking every waking moment (in which I am not at work). I'm getting NOTHING else done.  I can hardly even bear to THINK about Church or anything or anyone else.  I needed to take the kids to the doctor, which is kind of a priority, you know?  But it was a HUGE sacrifice to do that.  My workouts have suffered, which is also discouraging.

Now to shift gears a bit:  When our children were very small, there was a woman in the ward who lived on the edge of sanity.  I don't mean she was going to lose her mind, but one tiny thing would send her into stress land.  I was very grateful at that time that I could take several fairly large steps before I got stressed out.  I did a lot of good things during those years, and they were a pleasure for me!  Jax, Grandma, church presidencies, PTA.  I was involved in a large variety of things and I still managed to care for our home and our children mostly successfully.

Now, though, it seems like one tiny thing sends me over the edge, and I hate it!  I don't like that I'm a flake and that I'm a mess.

Our children are mostly grown up, so there's very little I need to do with or for them.  I don't have to feed them or bathe them or put them to bed or even buckle them into the car.  They're wonderful, mostly self-sufficient people.  So I am not doing that.

There's no grandma or niece.  There's no PTA.  There's very little necessary in my church callings.

Here's what I do:  I go to work and I go to school.  School has taken me MUCH longer than it probably should have.  Our house is piggy a lot of the time.  I have one day a week to complete everything (homework, laundry, house cleaning, yard work).  That's just not enough time, and it makes me feel like a failure.  It's very discouraging.

I also have friends who have been parenting as long as I have and who still have little ones for whom they are caring.  They seem to be able to handle things so well, and even though I know that I should not compare my worst with others' best, it's really hard not to get discouraged.  I think What is wrong with me?  Why can't I do _______?  I think I'm a loser.  I should be able to ______.  I think She is doing _____ and _____ AND _____, and she's doing it with grace.  Why can't I do _____ and ______ or at LEAST _____?

What do I do about it?  All I can think to do is just to finish school so I can take that big thing off my plate.  I hope to re-fill my plate with more important, fulfilling things.  And hopefully not feel so inadequate and worthless and less-than-great.